just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
