mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
