Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
