i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Randomize
