the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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