Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize