She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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