oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
