Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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