if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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