the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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