Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
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