He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
You left your phone here
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