textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
