you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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