she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Randomize
