I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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