so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
