worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
