I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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