did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Dignity is for republicans.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
