Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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