Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize