My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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