Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
