I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize