Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
