Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
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