Ambien. No doubt about it.
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
