youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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