My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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