so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
