Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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