Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
