She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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