Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize