I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
