Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Randomize
