My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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