Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(778): View more from British Columbia

I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy

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(208): View more from Idaho

My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.

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(727): View more from Florida

i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.

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(503): View more from Oregon

So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?

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(773): View more from Illinois

despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am

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(586): View more from Michigan

Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.

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(971): View more from Oregon

no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"

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(904): View more from Florida

I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.

Fav 0 13 35
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