He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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