I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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