but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
