if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
