i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
