I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
