So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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