i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
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