Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
this will be a night to untag.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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