Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize