hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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