Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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