I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
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