the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Randomize
