i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize