Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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