So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
This is the high leading the old right now
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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