I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
